Fear of abandonment runs deep in many women. That fear is not outside of reason. Women’s anxiety about abandonment is fed by the divorce statistics, which confirm many a man’s tendency to treat his marriage like it is a disposable diaper (though by far men aren't the only ones doing this). The scripture even records such a case in point. As we read Esther chapter one we learn about the plight of queen Vashti. This woman suffered something wives have dreaded for centuries – exile from relationship. Her husband, King Ahasuerus, prepared a feast for all the nobles of the Persian Empire. This feast was so grand that he instructed his servants to “give every man his desire.” This indulgence went on for 180 days. On the seventh day the king in typical male style began bragging about the beauty of his wife. To prove his point he sent his servants after her with instructions for her to return “in the crown royal” so his drunken noble guests could gaze at her.
To his dismay, Vashti refused to come. Scripture does not record her reasoning but most wives would agree that to display your beauty before a group of men you know have been drinking and indulging themselves for seven days, is not a safe place for a beautiful female. When she stood up for herself, against the foolish request of her husband, in anger he exiled and eventually replaced her.
Often as ministers have taught from this text, the focus is placed on how a wife takes a risk when she does not do as her husband asks. Therefore, she should obey her husband. Very few have given attention to the reality that it is unreasonable to expect a wife to display herself before a bunch of drunken men.
Unfortunately, Vashti’s plight is a harsh reality. When wives’ responses cause their husbands great disappointment, many husbands abandon the marriage and replace their wives with someone else they believe will be more accommodating. It is this sad fact that is at the heart of many a wife’s choice to enable her husband’s sinful behavior. What if he is displeased to the point where he divorces me? What if he decides that he will have an affair behind my back? The “what-ifs” produce a Merry-Go-Round within a Merry-Go-Round.
In chapter 2, of my book, Dear God, Please Get Me Off This Merry-Go-Round and Show Me How to Respect an Irresponsible Man, I mentioned the need for wives to maintain personal integrity when their husbands choose to compromise or disobey God's truth. I cannot emphasize enough how vital it is that you keep your life chaste. Do not allow yourself to be deceived. Following your husband’s lead when he is being disobedient to the Lord will not be acceptable to God. Even when we are threatened we need to remember that, it is written that we ought to obey God rather than man (Acts 5:28-29). A believer’s first responsibility is to love God and as a result of that love, obey His Word. When obeying the scripture we must make certain we are looking at God’s Word in context. To say that a woman is obeying God’s Word by appeasing her husband, when he is committing obvious sin, is to take God’s command completely out of context. Though He says, “a wife is concerned about how to please her husband,” He has also said that if your husband does not “obey the word” you may be able to “win him” by your “conversation” or manner of living (I Peter 3:1-4). That manner of living is clearly described as being chaste.
The Greek word interpreted chaste from I Peter 3:4 is the word hagnos which means innocent, clean, and pure. I am sure you agree that there is nothing chaste about lying. Remember, the Holy Spirit can use a wife’s innocent, clean, and pure behavior to create the kind of contrast that will draw attention to areas where her husband’s integrity is lacking. But, if you're more afraid of your husband than God, I want to challenge you to recognize that you're fearing the wrong one!
If you are afraid to stand up to your husband because he may leave you, prepare yourself for inner and outer struggle. As frightening as it may seem, place your husband on the altar of sacrifice. (NO!! I don’t mean kill him. I mean turn your concerns over to the Lord.) Ask the Lord to grant you the courage to stand firm in your convictions. This does not mean that you have to be obstinate. It simply means that you will not be unwise and succumb to intimidating tactics. Choose instead to trust God with the outcome.
Heretofore you may have fumed over how much you are expected to “be a saint” while your mate stubbornly acts like he ain’t. The unmet yearnings in your soul may cause you to wonder, “When is it going to be my turn!” Pain and loss also shout their cries for relief, at any cost. But, don’t let any of those things deter you. Don’t back down. Don’t give in. Stand firm in the conviction of your faith in God. After you have done all you know to do in your standing, continue, despite how bad things look, to stand in the righteousness of your faith in Christ. Understand that you are not to act like a virtuous woman. You need to be a virtuous woman.
Next post, Will the REAL Virtuous Woman Please Stand Up!
Serving You with God's love and mine,
Christina Dixon
Author of How to Respect an Irresponsible Man!
Copyright © 2001, 2004 Christina Dixon. All rights reserved worldwide. Excerpt from How to Respect an Irresponsible Man. Used by permission.
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